Please stop slamming your cheese-wedge-shaped head into my laptop. It’s very cute but very irritating and it makes me want to make the couch off limits to pooches.
Dear Men who work with Women,
I know there are a lot of you out there who totally respect women as equals (okay, respect us as the superior gender we are). You are proper, are not crass or rude and do a great job at work being pleasant and helpful. Thank you.
For all you OTHER motherfuckers: BITCH IS PISSSSSSSSED. Don’t make me cut you. Why do you think it is okay to talk about ANY of the following in front of me (and you’ve known me, oh 4 weeks in a PROFESSIONAL environment): breasts, oral sex, oggling women, pick up lines you used on women when you were a bartender in California, how “gay” something is, how Lowe’s is a “woman’s store” because it doesn’t sell manly things like chainsaws. WHAT. THE. BLOODY. HELL. What is wrong with you? Clearly you’re not embarrassed by your weird and sexist topics of conversation (and I say conversation in the most lenient of grammar ways because YOU are the only one talking. EVER.). However, I’m not part of your boy’s club that is comprised of 40-50 year-old men who like to act like 14 year-olds. I don’t take myself seriously but I do take my job seriously. We’re there to work, work with passengers, planes, cargo and baggage. Not your personal weirdo sex baggage. Passenger suitcases. There really isn’t room for much else, let alone idle chatter from your increasingly annoying maw. So please–shut the fuck up already.
And when you apologize for making me mad and and uncomfortable (so much so that I have to tell you that I am going to walk away and then I go the restroom and I CRY because I am so embarrassed, grossed out, and angry) but you say “I’m sorry. *I* (strong emphasis) didn’t think it was rude…..” Well, it kind of negates your apology to say that you weren’t wrong. So learn how to be a respectful human being. You don’t work in a bar anymore. You work in an airport. With women. You wouldn’t have said any of those things in front of your female boss, so what makes it okay to say in front of me?
I’m not part of your club. I don’t want to be.
Um, yeah, sorry I haven’t called in a while. You see, I’m um, not really interested anymore.
Go back to being dead.
Where have you been all my life?! How is it that I’ve lived in the Town O’Saunas and have not taken one? oh, sweet sweet sweaty sauna. You make me hot.